The dark side of getting older.

Dear Metabolism,

I suffered deep and utter embarrassment today when at the university health benefits fair I had to divulge my weight to a petite (and very much skinny) younger woman.

(Yes, I am at the age now when suddenly because I work on a college campus most everyone must be younger than I am.)

(Except for tenured faculty, of course.)

(And perhaps the secretaries of the various departments on campus.)

I "volunteered" to tell this woman my weight so that she could tell me:

• (a) that I am obese according to my body mass index (of which, by the way, the Wii Fit had already informed me months ago thankyouverymuch) and
• (b) that my body fat percentage also lies outside of the healthy range (what a shocker there).

So, my older and increasingly loathed (not to mention much slower) metabolism, would it really be so hard to function at the capacity of my late teens/early twenties?

It sure would make things a whole lot easier on me.

(And by that I mean I could continue to eat whatever I want, whenever I want.)

(After all, the unhealthy choices just taste so much better.)

Begrudgingly yours,
One Not So Mindful Eater

Sleepless in Indiana.

Dear Insomnia,

I've had it with you. This has to stop. Things were bad enough when you would show up unannounced every once in awhile, but now that you have decided to rear your ugly head repeatedly, night after night? You are driving me crazy. As if waking me up in the middle of the night and not allowing me to fall back asleep wasn't bad enough, now you're also causing me to have trouble falling asleep in the first place. I don't know where you got the idea that I like feeling drowsy all day and barely being able to keep my eyes open at times, but you are sorely mistaken. The truth of the matter is, I value sleep greatly, and would much appreciate being able to sleep soundly so I can quit having to give myself pep talks in the morning just to get out of bed. That being said, I am sure you understand why I can no longer have you interrupting my slumber. Although I cannot say you will be missed, I do wish you luck in finding someone better suited for you.

All the best,

Sleepless in Indiana